I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
