Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
