You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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