everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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