I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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