First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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