I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize