There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
