the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
