I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
