Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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