Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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