I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
