Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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