dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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