I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
