Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize