I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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