Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
