also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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