She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize