I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
