If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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