I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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