i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
