I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
