Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You left your phone here
Wait...
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