It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize