so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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