is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
thus making me awesome and them whores
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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