There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i will never coherently bang her
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
