Apparently you make a good broom.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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