Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
