When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
