You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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