i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
