the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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