a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We are all done wearing pants today
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