My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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