Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
