Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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