You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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