Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
