I feel great
I just peed on a car
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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