that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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