i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize