My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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