You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
