Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
