Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Randomize
