How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
