just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
