one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
