I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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