I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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