the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
