I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
