So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
