I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
