I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
