im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
