Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You need a sexual gate keeper
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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