I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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