forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
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