In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is it because I queefed?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize